Harry Potter And The Satellite Of Love
by JJ Rust
Summary: HP/MST3K X-Over. What happens when Mike Nelson and his wise-cracking robot buddies get hold of the DVD of "Order of the Phoenix?" It gets the typical Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment, of course. A few suggestive mature themes.


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** _This idea just came to me the other day and I thought I'd run with it. For those not familiar with the show, "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (MST3K for short) deals with a guy (Mike Nelson) and his two robot buddies Tom Servo and Crow who are trapped on a spaceship called "The Satellite of Love" and forced to watch crappy movies as part of a weird experiment. They deal with this dilemma by ripping on the movie and making up dialogue for the characters on the screen as its playing. I'm not saying "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" is a crappy movie. I loved it. I just though it would be fun to imagine what these three would do if they watched it. I'm also writing this almost like a TV script instead of in my usual style. I haven't done a story in screenwriting format since I was in college, but I think I can manage._

_Enjoy . . . and naturally, I don't own anything having to do with Harry Potter or Mystery Science Theater 3000._

**WARNING: **_The following contains a few scenes with references to mature themes . . . not enough to make me rate this M instead of T, but they are there, so proceed at your own risk._

**AUTHOR'S NOTE 2:** _Here's an idea. Maybe print this out and read it aloud as you're watching "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix."_

* * *

SERVO: _(Dashes up to Mike)_ "Mike! Mike! You're not gonna believe this."

MIKE: "What, you finally remembered to stop using my electric razor to . . ."

SERVO: "Hey! I told you, that was just one time when I was really, really bored."

MIKE: "One time? Then how do you explain the time I found you on the service lift . . ."

SERVO: "Will you shut up, you big defect, and look what the tractor beam dragged in."

_(Servo hands Mike a DVD)_

MIKE: _(eyes wide with surprise)_ "'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?' Where did you get this?"

SERVO: "It was just floating by the ship. Gypsy spotted it and pulled it in with the tractor beam."

MIKE: "Oh this is . . . _(Mike frowns) _Oh, wait a minute. Look at this. It says, 'Property of the International Space Station.' Maybe we should return it."

SERVO: "Return it! Did you eat a big bowl of Stupid Flakes for Breakfast? This is an actual good movie. No more sitting through crap like 'The Giant Gila Monster' and 'The Puma Man.' If those numbnuts on the International Space Station can't take care of something as good as "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,' they don't deserve to get it back."

MIKE: "Well, you may have a . . ."

CROW: _(suddenly appears at Mike's side) _"Did I hear someone say 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?'"

MIKE: "Yeah, it was floating by the ship and we brought it aboard with the tractor beam."

CROW: "A Harry Potter movie! I don't believe it! A Harry Potter movie on this floating pile of junk! Are we gonna watch it?"

SERVO: "No, you mental midget. We're going to use it to decorate our Christmas tree. Mike, put that bad boy in the player."

CROW: "Wait! Before you do . . ."

_(Crow disappears off-screen. He returns a minute later wearing a witch's hat and holding a toy wand. He also has a poorly drawn red lightning bolt painted on his forehead)_

CROW: "Now I'm ready."

SERVO: "Ugh. You were probably one of those lunatics who camped out for three days to be the first in line when 'The Deathly Hallows' came out."

CROW: "Actually, it was four days."

_(A siren wails and red lights flash in the control room)_

MIKE: "We've got movie sign!"

_(The numbered hatches open one by one . . . 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The silhouettes of Mike, Servo and Crow find their seats in the darkened theater as the opening credits roll for "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.")_

CROW: "Did you know I almost won a Hershey Bar wrapper thrown out by Emma Watson on an eBay auction. But the winning bid was ten thousand dollars, and the best I could do was ten bucks."

SERVO: "Get a freakin' life, already."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Dudley and his gang confront Harry as he's sitting on a swing. Close up of Dudley's fat, dumb, ugly face._

* * *

MIKE: "This is why cousins shouldn't marry."

* * *

_ON SCREEEN: Harry and Dudley are attacked by Dementors. One has Harry pinned against the wall and is giving him the Dementor's kiss._

* * *

CROW: _(coughs)_ "Aw, man. Would you please invest in some tic-tacs."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry has vanquished the Dementors, and rushes over to Dudley, who looks completely out of it._

* * *

MIKE: _(singing)_ "IIIII have become, comfortably numb."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry & Dudley are back at the Dursleys. Dudley is still out of it. Uncle Vernon demands to know who did this. Dudley points to Harry, who stares at him silently._

* * *

SERVO: "Well that's the last time I save your fat ass."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Vernon and Dudley load up Dudley in their car. Harry is in his room and pounds on the door._

* * *

MIKE: "Oh yeah. Big tough guy beating up on a defenseless door."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Moody and several Order members arrive and whisk Harry off to 12 Grimmauld Place. Once inside, Tonks gives Harry a wink, walks on for a bit, then turns and smiles at him._

* * *

SERVO: "Cradle robber in training."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry goes upstairs and opens the door. Hermione yells, "Harry!" and throws her arms around him in a crushing hug._

* * *

MIKE: "I could so cop a feel right now if I wanted."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and his friends are using an extendable ear to eavesdrop on the Order's meeting. That's when Harry learns Snape is part of the Order._

* * *

CROW: "Yeah, the Order of the Phoenix has really lowered its recruiting standards."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry goes downstairs and sees Sirius. Sirius hugs Harry._

* * *

SERVO: "Bad touch . . . bad touch."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Arthur Weasley and Harry are in the Underground. Arthur has trouble going through the turnstile._

* * *

CROW: "Oh, just jump the damn thing. We do it all the time in New York."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Arthur and Harry get into the phone booth to take them to the Ministry of Magic._

* * *

MIKE: "Aw jeez. Superman left his clothes in here again."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Inside the Ministry, Harry gazes onto the huge, smug-looking image of Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge._

* * *

SERVO: _(singing)_ "I am the priest, of the Temples, of Syrinx."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Fudge watches in shock as Dumbledore enters the hearing room._

* * *

CROW: "Aw, man. Grandpa got out of the rest home again."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry is vindicated. Dumbledore exits the hearing room with Harry calling out, "Professor Dumbledore!" But Dumbledore keeps walking._

* * *

CROW: "Hey! Old fart! I'm talking to you!"

MIKE: "Some powerful wizard. He can't even fix his hearing aid."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: At the train station, Sirius, in dog form, enters a room and transforms back into human form._

* * *

SERVO: _(singing) _"Aa-ooooo, Werewolves of London."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: The train arrives at Hogwarts. Harry and his friends get off and are confronted by Draco Malfoy, who starts needling Harry. Harry lunges at Malfoy, but Ron restrains him._

* * *

MIKE, SERVO & CROW: "FIGHT!! FIGHT!! FIGHT!!"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and his friends approach the carriage to take them to the castle. There he sees the frightening form of a Thestral._

* * *

SERVO: "Oh man, I think Death left his horse behind."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Luna Lovegood tells Harry, "I can see them, too. Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am."_

* * *

MIKE: "Oh, there's a comforting thought."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: In the Great Hall, Umbridge stands, wearing a fuzzy pink sweater and hat._

* * *

SERVO: "So that's what became of the Pink Panther."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge says she's delighted to see all the smiling faces looking up at her. The camera cuts to dozens of students who are not smiling._

* * *

MIKE: "Boy, tough room."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge wraps up her speech._

* * *

CROW: "See, this is why crazy aunts need to stay locked up in the basement."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Filch enthusiastically claps after Umbridge's speech._

* * *

SERVO: "I'm gonna marry that girl, I am."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and Seamus argue. Seamus hollers, "Don't you say that about my mother!"_

* * *

SERVO: "Then how about this? Your mama's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin."

CROW: "Yeah! Well your mama's so ugly Bigfoot wouldn't kiss her."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge, in a sing-song voice, says, "Ordinary . . . Wizarding . . . Levels. O . . . W . . . L. More commonly known as OWLs."_

* * *

MIKE: "Is this what Mister Rogers mother was like?"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge distributes new Defense Against the Dark Arts books with a cartoonish cover._

* * *

CROW: "It's Defense Against the Dark Arts with Dick and Jane."

SERVO: "See Dick run . . . See Jane run . . . See Dick turn Jane into a toad."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Overhead shot of Hogwarts with Harry walking to Hagrid's cabin. Harry's voice off screen says, "Dear Padfoot . . . It's starting to get colder here. Winter is definitely setting in."_

* * *

SERVO: "Hey, when did we switch over to the Weather Channel?"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry enters the woods and encounters a herd of Thestrals._

* * *

MIKE: "Hey! I found the stables of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and Luna walk and talk among the Thestrals. Luna admits she believes Harry about You-Know-Who's return._

* * *

SERVO: "Of course, I also believe in the Tooth Fairy, that the Moon is made of green cheese, and that Alec Baldwin is a great actor."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge is in Professor Trelawney's Divination class and asks her to predict something._

* * *

MIKE: "Yeah, like tell me when the Chicago Cubs are going to win the World Series. Oh wait! Better make it something that will happen in my lifetime."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: In the courtyard, Trelawney is standing amongst her bags as Umbridge is kicking her out of Hogwarts. Trelawney says, "Hogwarts is my home. You can't do this."_

* * *

CROW: "Well when you haven't paid your rent in three years, what else am I supposed to do?"

SERVO: "Besides, you cost me fifty bucks last week when you told me to take the Lakers over the Bulls, you hack."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: As McGonagall comforts Trelawney, the huge door opens and Professor Dumbledore appears._

* * *

MIKE: "Albus Dumbledore is back, and this time, he's pissed."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Dumbledore tells Trelawney she can stay. He hurries back to the castle. Harry shouts for him. Dumbledore doesn't turn around and keeps walking._

* * *

CROW: "I'm not listening. I'm not listening. La la la . . . La la la."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Hermione stares out the window at the rain, with Harry and Ron behind her. She says, "We have to be able to defend ourselves, and if Umbridge won't teach us, we need someone who will." She turns to Harry._

* * *

CROW: "Uh, what? You mean the redheaded goofball next to me? What, someone behind me? Oh . . . oh, you mean me. Aw crap."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: At the Hog's Head, Hermione stands and says, "Um, hi." Camera cuts to a group of students staring back at her._

* * *

CROW: "Hey! You promised there'd be cookies and beer here. You lied!"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry & the gang are walking through Hogwarts, discussing where to hold their first D.A. meeting. Hermione says gleefully, "It's sort of exciting, isn't it? Breaking the rules."_

* * *

SERVO: "Oh, it's making me so excited I may have my first orgasm."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge watches Harry and the gang from high atop the tower. Filch sidles up next to her._

* * *

MIKE: "How much you wanna bet I can nail them from up here with a loogie?"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: At the first D.A. class, Neville accidentally expels his own wand from his hand. He says to Harry, "I'm hopeless."_

* * *

CROW: "No, you'd have to improve to get up to hopeless."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: At D.A. class, Hermione stuns Ron, who goes flying backwards._

* * *

SERVO: "Ha ha! You just got your ass kicked by a girl."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge is pinning badges on the Slytherins who signed up for the Inquisitional Squad._

* * *

MIKE: "I'm a hall monitor now. My mom will be so proud."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Montage of D.A. class training. Harry walks past Cho Chang. They gaze at one another._

* * *

MIKE: "Oh yeah. I'm getting' me some of that."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Cho looks at Cedric's picture. Harry walks up next to her._

* * *

CROW: "Hey, forget about the dead guy. I'm here, baby."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and Cho share their first kiss._

* * *

SERVO: _(imitating background music from typical porno movie) _"Chika-chika-wah-wah-chika-chika-wah-wah."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry is back in the Common Room telling Ron and Hermione about his kiss with Cho. Harry tells them Cho was crying. Ron asks if it's because he's a bad kisser. Hermione says, "I'm sure Harry's kissing was more than satisfactory."_

* * *

CROW: "Satisfactory? Last night you said it blew your mind."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: The D.A. class is learning to form a Patronus. Harry tells them, "Think of the happiest moment you can."_

* * *

MIKE: "The time I looked up Megan McKinnley's skirt in second grade."

CROW: "The day they cancelled 'Dawson's Creek.'"

SERVO: "The day I learned peanut butter and bacon make a delicious combination."

MIKE AND CROW: "Ew!"

SERVO: "I'm telling you it's good."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge sits on her throne, sipping tea and watching the D.A. do lines._

* * *

SERVO: _(singing) _"Umbridge uber alles."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Umbridge, Harry and Hermione are in the Forbidden Forest looking at Grawp's severed rope. Umbridge holds the two students at wand point and says, "You know, I really hate children."_

* * *

CROW: " . . . and puppies and rainbows and baby seals and Hannah Montana music."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: The centaurs carry Umbridge away._

* * *

SERVO: "She's gone! She's finally gone!"

CROW: "The school is ours!"

MIKE: "Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy!"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and the gang are flying to London on Thestrals._

* * *

SERVO: "Now ride the harbingers of the Apocalypse."

MIKE: "We really need some Iron Maiden music in the background."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and the gang enter the Department of Mysteries and find the room containing all the prophecies._

* * *

MIKE: "So this is where all the discarded snow globes wind up."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Ginny uses a Redactor Curse and collapses the shelves containing the prophecies._

* * *

CROW: "Okay, that may have been a bit too much."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and Luna approach the veil. Harry asks, "Can you hear the voices? What are the saying?"_

* * *

SERVO: "They're saying, 'Paul is dead. Paul is dead.'"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: After Dumbledore and Voldemort battle, Harry collapses, looking ill.__

* * *

_

CROW: "Oh man. It's that burrito I had for lunch. Anyone got any Pepto?"

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Voldemort stands over Harry and says, "You will lose everything."_

* * *

CROW: "Yeah, like your car keys, your cell phone, your gym club membership, your legion of fangirls."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry and Luna are in the corridor. Luna is trying to find her missing things. Harry asks, "You want any help finding them?"_

* * *

SERVO: "Besides, since things didn't work out between me and Cho Chang, I'm back on the market, baby."

* * *

_ON SCREEN: Harry leads his friends toward the train, the end credits roll. Mike, Servo and Crow start to exit the theater._

* * *

SERVO: "Yes, the movie's over, but remember to go out and buy the Harry Potter books, the Harry Potter video games, the Harry Potter DVDs, the Harry Potter bookbags, the Harry Potter napkins, the Harry Potter fine china set, in fact, just buy every damn thing that has the name Harry Potter on it. J.K. Rowling only has a billion dollars, and mama needs a new castle."

CROW: "Oh boy, I can't wait to get onto my Harry Potter chat room and tell my friends I just saw 'Order of the Phoenix' for the thirtieth time. Then I'm gonna start a poll to see who's prettier, Hermione, Cho or Luna. Then I'm gonna go on eBay and bid on Daniel Radcliffe's discarded toothbrush, then I'm going to rearrange all my Bernie Botts jelly beans in order of taste from best to worst . . ."

SERVO: "Then you're going to wake up fifty years from now wearing Harry Potter pajamas, sleeping with a cardboard cutout of Emma Watson and saying, 'what happened to my life?'"

- THE END -


End file.
